"I blew her brains out with a cum bullet!"

"I shot my New Year's resolution in that chick's mouth!"

"I feel like every college studen't quote should be 'I piss orgasms.'"

"The dog's wet."
"He must have drank some water."
"That chick last night must've drank a LOT of water then!"

"If he went home that early, I hope he represented the COCK!"

"You ladies are safe. I swear you won't get raped here. HAhahaha."
"Well, if we're not getting raped then why are we here?!"

"I'm fucking pissed at you, but you're my best friend...I'll just say this. If you had a clone I'd beat the fuck out of it right now."

"It's right up there on the left."
"I hope that's not it cause that looks like a place where we're gonna die!"

A coach with his football game prespeech;
"Boys, remember this: don't be a fagot."

"Dude, she looks awesome!"
"Yeah, I know! I hooked up with her like 3 years ago. I got the bad version of her."

"Pole smoking rhymes with college days."

"You have penis skills."
"What? Really?!"
"Yeah, your penis kills everything!"

"There's nothing better than going to church with a buzz."

"Are you here with a guy?"
"Yes."
"I knew it!...Ok, look you're gonna go through like 5 more guys like that anyway, just make me one of them!"

"This friendshit is over!"

As my friend is looking into space talking about his ex,
"That damn fine ass chick that had decent vagina."

"How did YOU make pretty girls."
"Uhhhhh, I stuck my penis in somebody!"

Small dude gets out of a HUGE truck and my friend asks him, "dude, how small is your dick?!"
Small dude looks pissed.

As a couple is leaving the bar;
"Hey ya'll don't text and drive. Sex and drive!"

"I sing that old Folgers crystals commercial song when I wake up on the weekends and it goes like this: The best part of waking up, is getting motherFUCKED UP!"

"I just deleted a friend on here cause a 'person I may know' popped up and was such a Douche Fuck Stick I would rather part ways than be associated with a mutual molestache like that."

"Damn! I need her to stand by me so I can look tan."
"Dude, she's ginger."
"Yeah, well I'm ginger without the red hair!"

"I like my burgers juicy. A dry burger is like a dry vagina. It's useless to me."

After a chick made a bad decision to go back with an abusive boyfriend,
"You can lead someone to water and it's quite sad, they'll still drink their own piss."

"You're an Adderall SLUT!"