"I slept with his brother and then dumped him cause he has no balls as a man and didn't want to keep the baby."
As I spit my drink out and say, "WHAT?!?! Was the baby his?"
"No. It was his brother's."
"When did you start working for Satan?"

"She's such a sorry person and so damn fat to go along with it. I'd love to punch her or beat her like a man since she weighs more than most men and she deserves it, but I'm afraid if I did there's too much fatsulation around that waist line of hers she wouldn't feel a damn thing. I mean no internal organs are gonna be touched whatsoever with all that fatness in the way. AND I bet if I did, she'd just laugh at me like the Pillsbury Doughboy."

"I had shots for breakfast, masturbated through lunch, and now I'm watching the UFC fights at a Sushi restaurant. Just a typical single day in this life."

To a server buddy of mine;
"Have you ever done some messed up shit to someone's food?"
"Are you recording me?"

Watching the UFC fights at a bar and it's 80 degrees out;
"Is that a scarf on his neck?!"
"In his defense, it's probably an Affliction scarf."

"I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty conceited right now." Looking down cupping her sexy new boobs and bouncing them quickly, "Thanks ladies!"

"If I were to fuck me I'd know EXACTLY how to win my heart." - Girl

After a night of drinking and eating at Whataburger on the way home;
"Can we do it in the morning?! I'm sorry, but I think if you penetrated me right now I'd throw up."

As we're watching the football games two ladies start whispering and laughing after one just came back from the bathroom, so I say to my buddy:
"I think she just took a dump."
"No, we were just telling a joke." - Girl
"Oh is that what they're calling it these days?! 'Yeah, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and drop some jokes.'"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You hammered yet?!"
"Why, you want to take advantage of me? Cause that would be awesome."

In a room full of people:
"Can anyone tell me why I can't trust a man with a mustache?.........*silence*.........didn't think so."

"She's a whore, really?........*long pause*.........well, tell her to come over to MY place and be a whore over there!"

"If I could suck my own dick, that'd be my profile picture!"

"Nobody says, 'Fuck it' like LSU."

"There are two things I'd stick my dick in right now; the stuffing and that sweet tea right there."

"Everybody. I mean EVERYBODY! And not to mention...........everybody!"

"I've got a lost and found at my house."

"What do you do when you see a hot girl?!.....*silence*.......SEND HER A FRIEND REQUEST!!!" - Ryan

"If I had 3 less ribs, I'd never leave the house!"

"The greatest day of my life was when my girlfriend cheated on me........I just didn't know it yet."

"It's on like my cock in the summer of '08!"

"I'm telling you, fish oil is good for your body."
In a very soft voice a friend replies, "Vaginapussy is good for MY body."

"Dude, these chips taste like limes!"
"They're lime chips."

"I drove home like Ace Ventura last night. I didn't want to wait for the car to get warmed up so I just drove with my head out the window and froze my face off."

After a female bartender yells, "SHE CAN SUCK MY DICK!" my girl friend says, "I can't believe she has a dick?!"
"Yeah, but it's always on soft so it's all good."

"I'm going to have to register as a sex offender now. I just molested Burger King."

"My roommate is moving out, so my bills are gonna go up. The flip side to that is I can masturbate with my bedroom door open again. Yaaaaay sexual freedom!" - Girl

"HEY! How many licks does it take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?!" - Guy
"Uhhh, you'll never get there." - Girl
"Okay.......How many shots then?!" - Guy

"A kid on a bus just yelled at me."
"If it was a short bus, you probably deserved it."

"I'm so poor right now." - 1
"YOU'RE poor?! I eat Ramen Noodles almost every night!" - 2
"I ate leftover croutons for dinner last night." - 1
"Winner to the left over croutons!" - 3

"If Auburn wins a National Championship and they wind up taking it away from us, I'm gonna be PISSED!"
"It may happen so just lay back and enjoy it like a bad sex decision. You love it while it's happening, then you wake up the next day and go, 'SHIT'!"

"You sound tired bro."
"Yeah, I'm road weary. I've been riding for 5 hours home."
"If I rode you for 5 hours on the road, I'd be weary too.
"That'd be sexy."

"How many of those cheeseburgers are you gonna eat?!"
"As many as it takes."
"For what?"
"For me to pass out."

"Is there any way to have sex with the moon?"
"Well, Neil Armstrong's footprints are still there so if you did it'd be there forever."
"I have a new goal in life now."

"Doesn't 'Supercuts' look like 'Spartacus?'"
"Have another shot, bro."

"Whoever invented the soft lace border bra I want to backhand their first born infant baby for being assured of seeing NO cleavage while a woman is wearing one."

"Dude, I wanted to pound her out so severely last night but instead I got cuddle action and an elbow to go along with it to assure us both of no type of loveliness whatsoever."

Meagan talking about her 1 year old son.
"Do you see his teeth? He's got a bunch of them now. Last night he bit me and it was like being bit by a little human being or something!!!"

"YEAH! PUT THAT SHIT ON YOUR TWIT!" - Hooters girl

After 18 straight hours in a casino:
"Damn! That girl over there is fine as hell!"
"Yeah, maybe if she had a different body and a different face."

"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy."
"Which one's HAPPY??!! I'd be pissed if my dick was that small! Not to mention my world, in comparison to my size, being 10 feet bigger than I needed it to be!"

"I beat Call of Duty Black Ops in two days." - 1
"You beat that game in two days?!!! How long did you play it?!" - 2
"The WHOLE 48 hours, which is a LOT of jacking off in between. That's like a professional right there. Well, I'm a pro when it comes to that, so I can't say anything." - 3
"Yeah, I can 'Hold My Own,' too." - 2

Talking about a guy that keeps telling people he's an MMA fighter but won't accept a local fight:
"Just tell him he's got a small dick and he sucks at life. Let's fight."

"He's gotta go out with me tonight and be my wingman."
"I'm not your wingman, bro! I'M Iceman!"
"Whatever dude. You're Goose. You die halfway through the movie and let everybody down.........just like tonight."

"What kind of whore cologne are you wearing?!"

"This old lady just walked into Publix with a purple school girl's outfit on. It's the middle of November and at first I thought I was only looking back just TWO weeks in time with that old body of hers in that sweet, sweet Halloween costume she's ruining."

"I just got my tits done! Let's go to Vegas!!!"

A buddy of mine talking to his ex girlfriend and he's obviously bothered by the new boyfriend's package:
"So...you're dating someone new?!"
"Yes, I am."
"How big is his dick?"
"It's bigger than yours."
"Well, THAT doesn't tell me much!........How BIG IS IT?!!!"

Stopping a random stranger for his opinion after giving my buddy hell all day:
"Have you ever heard of a shit tan?!"
"No." - Random Stranger
"Well, this is my buddy. They tried some new spray tan on him today and I keep trying to tell him they shit on him through a spray bottle, and he doesn't believe me."
"Yep. Looks like they did." - Random Stranger

After yelling "WHO THE HELL IS LUMBERG?!?!" several times in a bar for about an hour, a guy comes over and asks us:
"Why do you keep yelling, 'who the hell is Lumberg?!'"
"Cause I think he's F*CKING ALL OUR WOMEN!!!!"
My buddy in the background yells: "Hell, LUMBERG F*CKED HER!"

"There are four fine ass ladies over there and I'm gonna talk to them no matter what."
"What do you think your chances are of actually 'getting it in'?"
"Probably 1 in 6.9 trillion."
"So, this is like the line from 'Dumb and Dumber' where Jim Carey says, 'so, you're TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE!?'"
"Yep, just like that. I'm going in."

"This guy just mind fucked the shit out of me!"
"So, your brain is no longer a virgin?"
"My brain just got raped!"

"You don't like Lady Ga Ga?!"
"No. I will jump out of a moving vehicle if her songs are playing on the radio."
"She's awesome!"
"Do you own a pink Polo?"
"Yeah, I have one."
"I'm gonna need to see your man card, now."

"I like you. But your Facebook personality beats me like a rented mule."

"He didn't even have a neck. It just went straight from his head to...well, it was a HECK!" - Marcus
"As in, 'what the HECK just happened?!'" - KG™
"Exactly." - Marcus

What I said to my server:
"Keep the drinks coming. I've got a long drive ahead of me."
"You can't do that. I'll get in trouble." - Server
"It's ok, I'm serious."
"WHAT?!" - Server
"Gran Tourismo is my homeboy."

Lead singer of the band in between songs, just before Jimmy Buffet took the stage:
"I'm gonna take my shoes off for my next song if ya'll don't mind."
Random guy yelling in the midst of a quick silence - "YOU'RE PLAYING AN ACCORDION! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO ANYMORE!"

"That's why I like you Kenny. You're a real person." - Ryan

"Excuse me. I'm gonna need a few minutes. I'm about to make love to this sandwich."

"I don't like it when people say they have a glandular problem. I mean, is 'glandular' another word for 'FORK?!!!!'" - Marcus

"You complete me. And by that I mean you make me COMPLETELY miserable."

"He's probably drunk and eating fast food as we speak."

"HAPPY VETERANS DAY, BRO!
I will shampoo your crotch for all you do.
Sexually yours" - KG™

"If all you do is 'win, win, win no matter what' then what if the competition is masturbating your buddy to climax?"

"Nice cutdown. Did you get that one from the 80s or is that just how long you've been using it?" - KG™
"I got it from your mom actually." - Donny
"And THAT is why Cain killed Able." - KG™

"If one more girl puts, 'Gettin my hair did' as her FB status and she's
white, I'm gonna penetrate every one in this room."

"She keeps calling me Brian. She can't remember my name. And I can't lie, I've never been more turned on." - Brad

"Look! See those two girls over there with the REAL big Adams apples?......Yeah, those are girls." - Kristian

Talking about a random sloppy guy following around and creeping out a few hot ladies:
"I think that guy's a sloppy Super(Fail)Hero that wears a utility belt slammed with condiments so he can pour it all over those hot ladies and eat them."

"Monday is officially National Suicide Awareness Day.....every week." - KG™

"She bathes in slut water." - KG™

At IHOP
"And I want my biscuits buttered." - Blake
"Yeah, bring his FAG biscuits buttered! I'll have a shot of Yeager."- Ryan
"Bring him water." - Wade
"With some Yeager in it!" - Ryan

"You look like a drunk Ryan Cabrera." - LG™

After leaving a nice tip: "So, what are you doing when you get off?"
"She's married bro."
"CAN I GET MY TIP BACK?!"

"You gotta try this, it's called Coliseum Juice. Well, Fire Water."- Ryan
"It's called Jungle Juice."- Donny
"It's Gorilla seaman." - KG™

"I've had sex with 154 girls." Guy
"Are there 154 dumb asses around here?!" - Ryan
"Where did you get 154 Rufies?" - Donny

"I mean, how is he suppose to take care of someone else? He can't even take care of his own penis!" - KG™
"Yeah, he doesn't even have walking around sense. I keep waiting for him to start barking." - Josh

"Dude, she speaks Spanish cause she's Mexican."
"No, she's of Mexican decent. She's American and from California. That's considered Hispanic." - KG™
"No. Her minor was Mexican in college."
"And her major was horizontal which is why you like her." - KG™

"What is she wearing?" - Arissa
"I don't know? I think she's bumming a cigarette off of him, so maybe she's a bum...but oh, look, she has an IPhone." - KG™

‎"This dude over there tried to start something with me and I just pointed to you three, and he changed his tune." - Chris
"Well, LET'S GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM THEN!" - G

"Why is my ass wet?!" - Blake
"Some one spilled a drink in that chair you genius." - Wade
"No, his boyfriend forgot to pull out last night." - Ryan

"What are you laughing at so hysterically?.....more laughter...."I swear I wanna punch you right in the laughter right now."

"I was in bed at 8:30 last night and passed out all over myself by 8:31."

"Ok, she looked good from a distance. What is that acronym?!"
"Uhhhh......DRUNK?!!!!"

"Bro, why are you texting with one eye closed?!" - KG™
"Cause I see four phones with two eyes and only one when I shut this eyeball!" - Donny

"She was wearing a sweater as a dress. I don't think she knew it was suppose to be a sweater cause her thong was out." - Amy
"What was she dressed as?" - KG™
"A slutty Ole Miss fan." - Amy
"She was a napkin." - Jama

‎"What did you do last night?"
"Bro, I just have one thing to say right now. Do not EVER break up with your girl right before Halloween. Cause, damn."

‎"I want a beer right now!" - Ryan
"There's 3 in the seat beside you." - Wade
"Well then I'm in heaven." - Ryan

"Dude, is this beer a pop top or what?!" - Donny
"No, you just have to have a penis to open it." - KG™

"Who were those guys?! I think I smelled one of their armpits from a few feet away. And it smelled like ancient history's SHIT!" - Karleigh

"I swear shampoo came from an Asian language."

"Hey, here's a question for ya that will blow your mind. Shampoo and water have an expiration date. I mean, what happens when you use either one after that date?!"

"You know what's awesome? Awesome is when you know your friend's phone is usually shoved so far up their ass they can text you back by simply blinking, yet you haven't heard back from them in a day."