As my buddy is walking into a port-o-let:
"Someone just took a natural dump up in this piece."

"I jerked off to the Total Gym infomercial last night."

"The greatest thing that ever happened to Billy Ray Cyrus was his seaman."

"The most fucked up thing I've ever done to a guy is after I found out he was cheating on me we went out and I slipped a couple of Viagra in his drink then I played with him when we went home, slept naked, and didn't give him any." - Girl
"I'd murder you with my DICK!" - Guy

"He never washes clothes, towels, or sheets. I mean, every time I go over there I have to put fucking sheets on his bed."

After a sweet slow song a buddy played on the guitar:
"That song is all about titty fucking a vagina."

"I think she's putting feelers out there to find the best thing to do for the weekend, but I'm ALWAYS the best thing to do......in more ways than one!"

After going into his bathroom when the toilet was slightly modified but not broken and after two chicks just used it:
"I swear I went into the bathroom and realized I was looking at a HUMAN dump wrapped in toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet. I guess they didn't know how to flush my toilet?!"

"I'm serious. There were two kids names Fat Will and Fat Shit in my neighborhood growing up."

"Ok, so I get on this elevator and I'm drunk and this guy is hot as shit...." - Girl 1
"You sure he was hot as shit then?!" - Girl 2
"LISTEN, TO THE STORY!" - Girl 1

Parking in a handicap parking spot at a convenience store
"Really? You're parking here for a $160.00 fine?" - Girl 1
"I just got my tits done, it's all good." - Girl 2

"I don't want to go down there. There's a shit ton of sausage and nothing for me." - Guy
"I know it's like 90-5 guys to girls. I love Fish House." - Girl

"Man, let them Asians come over here and mess with us! We've got athletes in this country. After they go through our military they'll have to go through our athletes. We've got T.O. and Ochocinqo on the same team! Hell, tell them to come mess with Philly! Michael Vick will fuck them up!

"That picture is HOT! I don't even need to see it!"

My friends calling a dump a 'Sweet Water.' Then, as one of them is coming out of the bathroom in a room full of people watching football:
"I just took a Sweet Water up in the piece!"

"I mean what man WOULDN'Twant to suck his own dick? You're not a man if you don't want to suck your own cock! Ok, I'll say this, if I had 3 less ribs I'd never leave the house."

"You've got wrinkles."
"Whatever! I'm like that bottle of good shit you put away for 10 years, I get better with age! Put ME away for 10 years then check me out, I'll stun the hell out of you even WITH wrinkles!"

At a seedy, cheap dirty motel with a buddy of mine and getting into one of the double beds to go to sleep:
"Hey do you think if I jerked off all over the place they'd notice?"
"Hell no. There's blood on the carpet over there."

"I don't know why, but he just pisses me off at the sight of him."
"It's his hair. I've never met a person who's hair pisses me off but his does."

"Why are you wearing two different shoes?!"
"Whew! It's been a long night bro! Her boyfriend came home, it was dark, we wear the same size shoes I guess, and I had to jump out the window."

After watching a ridiculously drunk guy hit on every woman in the bar and is now so drunk he can barely stand which is getting him kicked out, a hot chick comes up to me and says:
"I'm sorry for what he's done."
"You're gonna take this douche home and marry him aren't you?"
"NO! He's just a friend of mine and he's drunk."
The drunk guy leans over to us almost falling over and says, "have you met my fiance'?"
"Wow. You two are destined for greatness."

"I wanna fuck one of those band members!" - Married woman
"Where's your husband?" - Guy
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow. He couldn't make it down tonight cause of work tomorrow." - Married woman
Next days Facebook status update on her page read, "Can't wait to spend the rest of the weekend with my amazing husband!"

"You're gonna cock block me? Where are you gonna take her? Your mom's house?!"
"I was gonna stay with you."
"Yeah, good luck with that cause I'm gonna cock block the shit out of you at MY place."

Talking about a wild girl at this football party, but pausing for a moment to watch a flag thrown:
"Gonna get a horse collar for that one."
"Yeah, she NEEDS a horse collar!"
"No, I meant the football game!...."

"YEAH! Auburn won the SEC Championship and is going to the National Championship! LET'S GET FUCKED UP AND TAKE SOME PILLS!"

Talking about a tie basketball game with a few seconds left in the game:
"If I was a coach during this time out I'd roll the ball to the team and say, 'who wants to get laid tonight?!'"

"I'm gonna put this beer on a chick's clitoris and say, 'that's two dollars bitch!'"

"I don't believe a girl unless she has a roofie in her mouth." - Ryan

"I'll be nice as hell to a cop if he pulls me over and talks to me. I like a cop like a bad mixed drink. I don't like it, but I'll drink the hell out of it!" - Ryan

Fall/Winter of 2010
"Get me 3 shots!.....and then 1 for me. Spring Break 2008, YEEEEAAAAAAH!"

"Dude, if I was in the UFC I'd train forever then after the fight after I tapped a guy out, I'd take all the ring girls out and work on some 'submissions.'" - Ryan

"Hey, that's Joe 'Daddy' Stevenson! I'm cheering for 'DADDY!'" - Ryan

After a brief yet deep STD conversation:
"You can't cure most STDs nor AIDS." - Wade, as he walking out of the room
"YES YOU CAN! Ask Magic Johnson!" - Blake

"Hot Tub!" - Girl
"Hell yeah I like the way you think! You drink beer in the morning and tell ME you want to hit the hot tub!"

"What time is it?" - Girl
"You just get a beer and don't worry about what time it is on Sunday Funday." - Guy

"Yeah, I saw her new boobs and even named them last night. They'll have a Facebook page in a little while."

"I hooked up with him." - Girl 1
"You kissed him?!" - Guy
"I did, too." - Girl 2
"Damn every chick has hooked up with him at some point."
"Yep. He's like toilet paper." - Girl 1

"Well, I'm in this Santa Organization, so I can't go to our company Christmas party cause it's the same night."
"Santa Organization?!"
"Yeah, we gotta get dressed up like Santa Claus and get really drunk."

"What?! You love this guy in prison who's killed a person and raped people?! Here's something that's been said before: 'I love you Ted Bundy.'" - Lex from 'Lex and Terry'

"I think China Town is a Communist country." - Lex of 'Lex and Terry'

After ordering a margarita and it comes back the size of a toilet bowl:
"This is gonna be a Cingo De Mayo NOT to remember!"

Guy to a girl at a bar:
"Baby, you're a firework. Come on let your colors burst." - Guy
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Did you just use that line on a chick?! Yeah, you're a unicorn riding a rainbow for using that one in a bar." - Guy's friend that over heard him

"I got called to the bathroom and there were 7 people including customers standing around the women's bathroom in awe of this woman's impressive turd. I swear it wouldn't flush either. It was like the size of a meatloaf. After I flushed it down, I asked them all how many people it takes to flush a turd. I answered for them. Eight. One manager to do it and 7 people to stand around and wait for him to do it."

A drunk friend of mine running up to a bouncer to mess with him and his own girlfriend:
"HEY! CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SHIT SHE'S PULLING RIGHT NOW?!?! I KNOW, IT'S BULL SHIT!!!(As the bouncer just looks at him strangely)
Then, getting into his car as he's tossing his girlfriend his keys:
"Okay bro I'll see you later! Babe, you're driving. I swear I'd kill a person right now if I got behind the wheel."

"That guy reminds me of a friend of mine. He may even be a fighter cause his ears are messed up."
"Yeah, his teeth are REALLY messed up!"

"That guy doesn't have a drinking problem whatsoever. He's perfectly fine. If anything, he's got a drinking career."

"I hate this teacher! She's failing me cause she's a hater. She hates I'm so pretty. That's okay though girls. She's married. I'm gonna sleep with her husband to get back at her!"

"How is she doing?"
"Oh, she's all good bro."
"She is never 'all good.' She is just not as bad."

At a live basketball game when kids came out to play for the halftime show:
"I turned around for a little while then turned back around to see all these little people out there playing basketball. I was like, 'what the hell? They shrunk!'" - Jama

"Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you're feeling better and you get a nice fat portion of juicy food to shut your Trapper Keeper for a little while." - Guy
"Really? I ought to slap you in your chicken greased mouth." - Girl
"I'd beat you with a drumstick caked in gravy if you tried." - Guy
"Hello?! I'm right here!" - Girl

Referencing to a guy who's Myspace and FB name is 'The Man Behind the Hawk':
"And tell the 'Douche Behind the Bag' to go bang himself......behind the dumpster."

"I don't have any money. I'm pretty much broke."
"You could strip or be a male prostitute?"
"No, can't do that. My eyebrows aren't waxed and I believe that's a prerequisite for both."

"Black people can never hate a Kenny. You know why?! Cause he makes chicken! I don't care if another Kenny dies every episode on some white man's prime time cartoon, I love me a Kenny just cause of the CHICKEN!"