As my buddy is walking into a port-o-let:
"Someone just took a natural dump up in this piece."

"I jerked off to the Total Gym infomercial last night."

"The greatest thing that ever happened to Billy Ray Cyrus was his seaman."

"The most fucked up thing I've ever done to a guy is after I found out he was cheating on me we went out and I slipped a couple of Viagra in his drink then I played with him when we went home, slept naked, and didn't give him any." - Girl
"I'd murder you with my DICK!" - Guy

"He never washes clothes, towels, or sheets. I mean, every time I go over there I have to put fucking sheets on his bed."

After a sweet slow song a buddy played on the guitar:
"That song is all about titty fucking a vagina."

"I think she's putting feelers out there to find the best thing to do for the weekend, but I'm ALWAYS the best thing to do......in more ways than one!"

After going into his bathroom when the toilet was slightly modified but not broken and after two chicks just used it:
"I swear I went into the bathroom and realized I was looking at a HUMAN dump wrapped in toilet paper in the bathroom cabinet. I guess they didn't know how to flush my toilet?!"

"I'm serious. There were two kids names Fat Will and Fat Shit in my neighborhood growing up."

"Ok, so I get on this elevator and I'm drunk and this guy is hot as shit...." - Girl 1
"You sure he was hot as shit then?!" - Girl 2
"LISTEN, TO THE STORY!" - Girl 1

Parking in a handicap parking spot at a convenience store
"Really? You're parking here for a $160.00 fine?" - Girl 1
"I just got my tits done, it's all good." - Girl 2

"I don't want to go down there. There's a shit ton of sausage and nothing for me." - Guy
"I know it's like 90-5 guys to girls. I love Fish House." - Girl

"Man, let them Asians come over here and mess with us! We've got athletes in this country. After they go through our military they'll have to go through our athletes. We've got T.O. and Ochocinqo on the same team! Hell, tell them to come mess with Philly! Michael Vick will fuck them up!

"That picture is HOT! I don't even need to see it!"

My friends calling a dump a 'Sweet Water.' Then, as one of them is coming out of the bathroom in a room full of people watching football:
"I just took a Sweet Water up in the piece!"

"I mean what man WOULDN'Twant to suck his own dick? You're not a man if you don't want to suck your own cock! Ok, I'll say this, if I had 3 less ribs I'd never leave the house."

"You've got wrinkles."
"Whatever! I'm like that bottle of good shit you put away for 10 years, I get better with age! Put ME away for 10 years then check me out, I'll stun the hell out of you even WITH wrinkles!"

At a seedy, cheap dirty motel with a buddy of mine and getting into one of the double beds to go to sleep:
"Hey do you think if I jerked off all over the place they'd notice?"
"Hell no. There's blood on the carpet over there."

"I don't know why, but he just pisses me off at the sight of him."
"It's his hair. I've never met a person who's hair pisses me off but his does."

"Why are you wearing two different shoes?!"
"Whew! It's been a long night bro! Her boyfriend came home, it was dark, we wear the same size shoes I guess, and I had to jump out the window."

After watching a ridiculously drunk guy hit on every woman in the bar and is now so drunk he can barely stand which is getting him kicked out, a hot chick comes up to me and says:
"I'm sorry for what he's done."
"You're gonna take this douche home and marry him aren't you?"
"NO! He's just a friend of mine and he's drunk."
The drunk guy leans over to us almost falling over and says, "have you met my fiance'?"
"Wow. You two are destined for greatness."

"I wanna fuck one of those band members!" - Married woman
"Where's your husband?" - Guy
"Oh, he'll be here tomorrow. He couldn't make it down tonight cause of work tomorrow." - Married woman
Next days Facebook status update on her page read, "Can't wait to spend the rest of the weekend with my amazing husband!"

"You're gonna cock block me? Where are you gonna take her? Your mom's house?!"
"I was gonna stay with you."
"Yeah, good luck with that cause I'm gonna cock block the shit out of you at MY place."

Talking about a wild girl at this football party, but pausing for a moment to watch a flag thrown:
"Gonna get a horse collar for that one."
"Yeah, she NEEDS a horse collar!"
"No, I meant the football game!...."

"YEAH! Auburn won the SEC Championship and is going to the National Championship! LET'S GET FUCKED UP AND TAKE SOME PILLS!"

Talking about a tie basketball game with a few seconds left in the game:
"If I was a coach during this time out I'd roll the ball to the team and say, 'who wants to get laid tonight?!'"

"I'm gonna put this beer on a chick's clitoris and say, 'that's two dollars bitch!'"

"I don't believe a girl unless she has a roofie in her mouth." - Ryan

"I'll be nice as hell to a cop if he pulls me over and talks to me. I like a cop like a bad mixed drink. I don't like it, but I'll drink the hell out of it!" - Ryan

Fall/Winter of 2010
"Get me 3 shots!.....and then 1 for me. Spring Break 2008, YEEEEAAAAAAH!"

"Dude, if I was in the UFC I'd train forever then after the fight after I tapped a guy out, I'd take all the ring girls out and work on some 'submissions.'" - Ryan

"Hey, that's Joe 'Daddy' Stevenson! I'm cheering for 'DADDY!'" - Ryan

After a brief yet deep STD conversation:
"You can't cure most STDs nor AIDS." - Wade, as he walking out of the room
"YES YOU CAN! Ask Magic Johnson!" - Blake

"Hot Tub!" - Girl
"Hell yeah I like the way you think! You drink beer in the morning and tell ME you want to hit the hot tub!"

"What time is it?" - Girl
"You just get a beer and don't worry about what time it is on Sunday Funday." - Guy

"Yeah, I saw her new boobs and even named them last night. They'll have a Facebook page in a little while."

"I hooked up with him." - Girl 1
"You kissed him?!" - Guy
"I did, too." - Girl 2
"Damn every chick has hooked up with him at some point."
"Yep. He's like toilet paper." - Girl 1

"Well, I'm in this Santa Organization, so I can't go to our company Christmas party cause it's the same night."
"Santa Organization?!"
"Yeah, we gotta get dressed up like Santa Claus and get really drunk."

"What?! You love this guy in prison who's killed a person and raped people?! Here's something that's been said before: 'I love you Ted Bundy.'" - Lex from 'Lex and Terry'

"I think China Town is a Communist country." - Lex of 'Lex and Terry'

After ordering a margarita and it comes back the size of a toilet bowl:
"This is gonna be a Cingo De Mayo NOT to remember!"

Guy to a girl at a bar:
"Baby, you're a firework. Come on let your colors burst." - Guy
"Whoa, whoa, WHOA! Did you just use that line on a chick?! Yeah, you're a unicorn riding a rainbow for using that one in a bar." - Guy's friend that over heard him

"I got called to the bathroom and there were 7 people including customers standing around the women's bathroom in awe of this woman's impressive turd. I swear it wouldn't flush either. It was like the size of a meatloaf. After I flushed it down, I asked them all how many people it takes to flush a turd. I answered for them. Eight. One manager to do it and 7 people to stand around and wait for him to do it."

A drunk friend of mine running up to a bouncer to mess with him and his own girlfriend:
"HEY! CAN YOU BELIEVE THE SHIT SHE'S PULLING RIGHT NOW?!?! I KNOW, IT'S BULL SHIT!!!(As the bouncer just looks at him strangely)
Then, getting into his car as he's tossing his girlfriend his keys:
"Okay bro I'll see you later! Babe, you're driving. I swear I'd kill a person right now if I got behind the wheel."

"That guy reminds me of a friend of mine. He may even be a fighter cause his ears are messed up."
"Yeah, his teeth are REALLY messed up!"

"That guy doesn't have a drinking problem whatsoever. He's perfectly fine. If anything, he's got a drinking career."

"I hate this teacher! She's failing me cause she's a hater. She hates I'm so pretty. That's okay though girls. She's married. I'm gonna sleep with her husband to get back at her!"

"How is she doing?"
"Oh, she's all good bro."
"She is never 'all good.' She is just not as bad."

At a live basketball game when kids came out to play for the halftime show:
"I turned around for a little while then turned back around to see all these little people out there playing basketball. I was like, 'what the hell? They shrunk!'" - Jama

"Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you're feeling better and you get a nice fat portion of juicy food to shut your Trapper Keeper for a little while." - Guy
"Really? I ought to slap you in your chicken greased mouth." - Girl
"I'd beat you with a drumstick caked in gravy if you tried." - Guy
"Hello?! I'm right here!" - Girl

Referencing to a guy who's Myspace and FB name is 'The Man Behind the Hawk':
"And tell the 'Douche Behind the Bag' to go bang himself......behind the dumpster."

"I don't have any money. I'm pretty much broke."
"You could strip or be a male prostitute?"
"No, can't do that. My eyebrows aren't waxed and I believe that's a prerequisite for both."

"Black people can never hate a Kenny. You know why?! Cause he makes chicken! I don't care if another Kenny dies every episode on some white man's prime time cartoon, I love me a Kenny just cause of the CHICKEN!"

"I slept with his brother and then dumped him cause he has no balls as a man and didn't want to keep the baby."
As I spit my drink out and say, "WHAT?!?! Was the baby his?"
"No. It was his brother's."
"When did you start working for Satan?"

"She's such a sorry person and so damn fat to go along with it. I'd love to punch her or beat her like a man since she weighs more than most men and she deserves it, but I'm afraid if I did there's too much fatsulation around that waist line of hers she wouldn't feel a damn thing. I mean no internal organs are gonna be touched whatsoever with all that fatness in the way. AND I bet if I did, she'd just laugh at me like the Pillsbury Doughboy."

"I had shots for breakfast, masturbated through lunch, and now I'm watching the UFC fights at a Sushi restaurant. Just a typical single day in this life."

To a server buddy of mine;
"Have you ever done some messed up shit to someone's food?"
"Are you recording me?"

Watching the UFC fights at a bar and it's 80 degrees out;
"Is that a scarf on his neck?!"
"In his defense, it's probably an Affliction scarf."

"I'm not gonna lie, I'm pretty conceited right now." Looking down cupping her sexy new boobs and bouncing them quickly, "Thanks ladies!"

"If I were to fuck me I'd know EXACTLY how to win my heart." - Girl

After a night of drinking and eating at Whataburger on the way home;
"Can we do it in the morning?! I'm sorry, but I think if you penetrated me right now I'd throw up."

As we're watching the football games two ladies start whispering and laughing after one just came back from the bathroom, so I say to my buddy:
"I think she just took a dump."
"No, we were just telling a joke." - Girl
"Oh is that what they're calling it these days?! 'Yeah, I'm gonna go to the bathroom and drop some jokes.'"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You hammered yet?!"
"Why, you want to take advantage of me? Cause that would be awesome."

In a room full of people:
"Can anyone tell me why I can't trust a man with a mustache?.........*silence*.........didn't think so."

"She's a whore, really?........*long pause*.........well, tell her to come over to MY place and be a whore over there!"

"If I could suck my own dick, that'd be my profile picture!"

"Nobody says, 'Fuck it' like LSU."

"There are two things I'd stick my dick in right now; the stuffing and that sweet tea right there."

"Everybody. I mean EVERYBODY! And not to mention...........everybody!"

"I've got a lost and found at my house."

"What do you do when you see a hot girl?!.....*silence*.......SEND HER A FRIEND REQUEST!!!" - Ryan

"If I had 3 less ribs, I'd never leave the house!"

"The greatest day of my life was when my girlfriend cheated on me........I just didn't know it yet."

"It's on like my cock in the summer of '08!"

"I'm telling you, fish oil is good for your body."
In a very soft voice a friend replies, "Vaginapussy is good for MY body."

"Dude, these chips taste like limes!"
"They're lime chips."

"I drove home like Ace Ventura last night. I didn't want to wait for the car to get warmed up so I just drove with my head out the window and froze my face off."

After a female bartender yells, "SHE CAN SUCK MY DICK!" my girl friend says, "I can't believe she has a dick?!"
"Yeah, but it's always on soft so it's all good."

"I'm going to have to register as a sex offender now. I just molested Burger King."

"My roommate is moving out, so my bills are gonna go up. The flip side to that is I can masturbate with my bedroom door open again. Yaaaaay sexual freedom!" - Girl

"HEY! How many licks does it take to get to the center of your tootsie pop?!" - Guy
"Uhhh, you'll never get there." - Girl
"Okay.......How many shots then?!" - Guy

"A kid on a bus just yelled at me."
"If it was a short bus, you probably deserved it."

"I'm so poor right now." - 1
"YOU'RE poor?! I eat Ramen Noodles almost every night!" - 2
"I ate leftover croutons for dinner last night." - 1
"Winner to the left over croutons!" - 3

"If Auburn wins a National Championship and they wind up taking it away from us, I'm gonna be PISSED!"
"It may happen so just lay back and enjoy it like a bad sex decision. You love it while it's happening, then you wake up the next day and go, 'SHIT'!"

"You sound tired bro."
"Yeah, I'm road weary. I've been riding for 5 hours home."
"If I rode you for 5 hours on the road, I'd be weary too.
"That'd be sexy."

"How many of those cheeseburgers are you gonna eat?!"
"As many as it takes."
"For what?"
"For me to pass out."

"Is there any way to have sex with the moon?"
"Well, Neil Armstrong's footprints are still there so if you did it'd be there forever."
"I have a new goal in life now."

"Doesn't 'Supercuts' look like 'Spartacus?'"
"Have another shot, bro."

"Whoever invented the soft lace border bra I want to backhand their first born infant baby for being assured of seeing NO cleavage while a woman is wearing one."

"Dude, I wanted to pound her out so severely last night but instead I got cuddle action and an elbow to go along with it to assure us both of no type of loveliness whatsoever."

Meagan talking about her 1 year old son.
"Do you see his teeth? He's got a bunch of them now. Last night he bit me and it was like being bit by a little human being or something!!!"

"YEAH! PUT THAT SHIT ON YOUR TWIT!" - Hooters girl

After 18 straight hours in a casino:
"Damn! That girl over there is fine as hell!"
"Yeah, maybe if she had a different body and a different face."

"Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy."
"Which one's HAPPY??!! I'd be pissed if my dick was that small! Not to mention my world, in comparison to my size, being 10 feet bigger than I needed it to be!"

"I beat Call of Duty Black Ops in two days." - 1
"You beat that game in two days?!!! How long did you play it?!" - 2
"The WHOLE 48 hours, which is a LOT of jacking off in between. That's like a professional right there. Well, I'm a pro when it comes to that, so I can't say anything." - 3
"Yeah, I can 'Hold My Own,' too." - 2

Talking about a guy that keeps telling people he's an MMA fighter but won't accept a local fight:
"Just tell him he's got a small dick and he sucks at life. Let's fight."

"He's gotta go out with me tonight and be my wingman."
"I'm not your wingman, bro! I'M Iceman!"
"Whatever dude. You're Goose. You die halfway through the movie and let everybody down.........just like tonight."

"What kind of whore cologne are you wearing?!"

"This old lady just walked into Publix with a purple school girl's outfit on. It's the middle of November and at first I thought I was only looking back just TWO weeks in time with that old body of hers in that sweet, sweet Halloween costume she's ruining."

"I just got my tits done! Let's go to Vegas!!!"

A buddy of mine talking to his ex girlfriend and he's obviously bothered by the new boyfriend's package:
"So...you're dating someone new?!"
"Yes, I am."
"How big is his dick?"
"It's bigger than yours."
"Well, THAT doesn't tell me much!........How BIG IS IT?!!!"

Stopping a random stranger for his opinion after giving my buddy hell all day:
"Have you ever heard of a shit tan?!"
"No." - Random Stranger
"Well, this is my buddy. They tried some new spray tan on him today and I keep trying to tell him they shit on him through a spray bottle, and he doesn't believe me."
"Yep. Looks like they did." - Random Stranger

After yelling "WHO THE HELL IS LUMBERG?!?!" several times in a bar for about an hour, a guy comes over and asks us:
"Why do you keep yelling, 'who the hell is Lumberg?!'"
"Cause I think he's F*CKING ALL OUR WOMEN!!!!"
My buddy in the background yells: "Hell, LUMBERG F*CKED HER!"

"There are four fine ass ladies over there and I'm gonna talk to them no matter what."
"What do you think your chances are of actually 'getting it in'?"
"Probably 1 in 6.9 trillion."
"So, this is like the line from 'Dumb and Dumber' where Jim Carey says, 'so, you're TELLING ME THERE'S A CHANCE!?'"
"Yep, just like that. I'm going in."

"This guy just mind fucked the shit out of me!"
"So, your brain is no longer a virgin?"
"My brain just got raped!"

"You don't like Lady Ga Ga?!"
"No. I will jump out of a moving vehicle if her songs are playing on the radio."
"She's awesome!"
"Do you own a pink Polo?"
"Yeah, I have one."
"I'm gonna need to see your man card, now."

"I like you. But your Facebook personality beats me like a rented mule."

"He didn't even have a neck. It just went straight from his head to...well, it was a HECK!" - Marcus
"As in, 'what the HECK just happened?!'" - KG™
"Exactly." - Marcus

What I said to my server:
"Keep the drinks coming. I've got a long drive ahead of me."
"You can't do that. I'll get in trouble." - Server
"It's ok, I'm serious."
"WHAT?!" - Server
"Gran Tourismo is my homeboy."

Lead singer of the band in between songs, just before Jimmy Buffet took the stage:
"I'm gonna take my shoes off for my next song if ya'll don't mind."
Random guy yelling in the midst of a quick silence - "YOU'RE PLAYING AN ACCORDION! IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOU DO ANYMORE!"

"That's why I like you Kenny. You're a real person." - Ryan

"Excuse me. I'm gonna need a few minutes. I'm about to make love to this sandwich."

"I don't like it when people say they have a glandular problem. I mean, is 'glandular' another word for 'FORK?!!!!'" - Marcus

"You complete me. And by that I mean you make me COMPLETELY miserable."

"He's probably drunk and eating fast food as we speak."

"HAPPY VETERANS DAY, BRO!
I will shampoo your crotch for all you do.
Sexually yours" - KG™

"If all you do is 'win, win, win no matter what' then what if the competition is masturbating your buddy to climax?"

"Nice cutdown. Did you get that one from the 80s or is that just how long you've been using it?" - KG™
"I got it from your mom actually." - Donny
"And THAT is why Cain killed Able." - KG™

"If one more girl puts, 'Gettin my hair did' as her FB status and she's
white, I'm gonna penetrate every one in this room."

"She keeps calling me Brian. She can't remember my name. And I can't lie, I've never been more turned on." - Brad

"Look! See those two girls over there with the REAL big Adams apples?......Yeah, those are girls." - Kristian

Talking about a random sloppy guy following around and creeping out a few hot ladies:
"I think that guy's a sloppy Super(Fail)Hero that wears a utility belt slammed with condiments so he can pour it all over those hot ladies and eat them."

"Monday is officially National Suicide Awareness Day.....every week." - KG™

"She bathes in slut water." - KG™

At IHOP
"And I want my biscuits buttered." - Blake
"Yeah, bring his FAG biscuits buttered! I'll have a shot of Yeager."- Ryan
"Bring him water." - Wade
"With some Yeager in it!" - Ryan

"You look like a drunk Ryan Cabrera." - LG™

After leaving a nice tip: "So, what are you doing when you get off?"
"She's married bro."
"CAN I GET MY TIP BACK?!"

"You gotta try this, it's called Coliseum Juice. Well, Fire Water."- Ryan
"It's called Jungle Juice."- Donny
"It's Gorilla seaman." - KG™

"I've had sex with 154 girls." Guy
"Are there 154 dumb asses around here?!" - Ryan
"Where did you get 154 Rufies?" - Donny

"I mean, how is he suppose to take care of someone else? He can't even take care of his own penis!" - KG™
"Yeah, he doesn't even have walking around sense. I keep waiting for him to start barking." - Josh

"Dude, she speaks Spanish cause she's Mexican."
"No, she's of Mexican decent. She's American and from California. That's considered Hispanic." - KG™
"No. Her minor was Mexican in college."
"And her major was horizontal which is why you like her." - KG™

"What is she wearing?" - Arissa
"I don't know? I think she's bumming a cigarette off of him, so maybe she's a bum...but oh, look, she has an IPhone." - KG™

‎"This dude over there tried to start something with me and I just pointed to you three, and he changed his tune." - Chris
"Well, LET'S GO MAKE OUT WITH HIM THEN!" - G

"Why is my ass wet?!" - Blake
"Some one spilled a drink in that chair you genius." - Wade
"No, his boyfriend forgot to pull out last night." - Ryan

"What are you laughing at so hysterically?.....more laughter...."I swear I wanna punch you right in the laughter right now."

"I was in bed at 8:30 last night and passed out all over myself by 8:31."

"Ok, she looked good from a distance. What is that acronym?!"
"Uhhhh......DRUNK?!!!!"

"Bro, why are you texting with one eye closed?!" - KG™
"Cause I see four phones with two eyes and only one when I shut this eyeball!" - Donny

"She was wearing a sweater as a dress. I don't think she knew it was suppose to be a sweater cause her thong was out." - Amy
"What was she dressed as?" - KG™
"A slutty Ole Miss fan." - Amy
"She was a napkin." - Jama

‎"What did you do last night?"
"Bro, I just have one thing to say right now. Do not EVER break up with your girl right before Halloween. Cause, damn."

‎"I want a beer right now!" - Ryan
"There's 3 in the seat beside you." - Wade
"Well then I'm in heaven." - Ryan

"Dude, is this beer a pop top or what?!" - Donny
"No, you just have to have a penis to open it." - KG™

"Who were those guys?! I think I smelled one of their armpits from a few feet away. And it smelled like ancient history's SHIT!" - Karleigh

"I swear shampoo came from an Asian language."

"Hey, here's a question for ya that will blow your mind. Shampoo and water have an expiration date. I mean, what happens when you use either one after that date?!"

"You know what's awesome? Awesome is when you know your friend's phone is usually shoved so far up their ass they can text you back by simply blinking, yet you haven't heard back from them in a day."